World of Pain
by Deceitful Wood Elf
Summary: Willow after Grave. I'm not sure if it's the right rating.


A/N: My first fic. Flames will fall on deaf ears and then be fed to assorted creatures  
  
Disclaimer: It's not mine. But chances are, it's not your's either (but if it is, did you know that I love you?)  
  
  
  
  
I held the blade just above my wrist. The razor stayed there while I thought about what I was doing. I suddenly realized why Buffy was so lost when she came back. Everything was so happy, but now there was nothing but darkness. The rest of the world may have had things to live for, but not me. I had lost everything.  
  
***  
  
Buffy and Dawn had found me and Xander still on the mountain, still bleeding with the evidence of what I had tried to do still looming over us. The had knelt down beside us and cried with us. Their tears mingled with mine. Giles and Anya came next, Anya supporting Giles' weight. I cried harder then. What had I done? I had hurt the man who was like a father to me, I might have killed him. Anya stood above us for a long time, not looking sure of her self. She was crying to. God, I had hurt her too. I had hurt everyone, all my friends. I tried to kill them all.   
  
Buffy had stood up first. There was still tears in her eyes. She looked us and said something, I couldn't tell what with all the tears. I think it was directed towards Anya anyway because the next thing I knew I was in a heap on Xander's floor, still clinging to my friend. I don't remember anything as emotional as that. Not breaking that yellow crayon. Not Oz leaving. Not even when Tara was killed. I wasn't sad when Tara was killed, I was mad. No, not mad. I was, what was I? Annoyed? No. Miffed? No. Sad? We already covered that. I must have been mad then. But I didn't *feel* angry. It was more of a void really. I could only think one thought, revenge.   
  
Night came on Sunnydale while was in Xander's apartment. I had gotten up from the floor by then. Long ago Anya had gotten me some cloths. Xander made a feast of left over Chinese that was in his fridge. I barely ate it. Tara would never eat chinese again. Buffy had left. Patrolling I guess, she had brought Dawn with her. I wondered what I put them through. What I put Dawn through. I broke into tears again and Xander was with me. Kind, sweet Xander. Giles looked at us with pain in his eyes, pain for who? My pain was for the world, so full of despair. It was finally time for sleep. Xander let me have his bed, and he gave Giles the couch. I cried myself to sleep. I don't remember ever crying so hard.   
  
When I woke up I stayed in bed for a long time. Maybe Tara would still be alive. Maybe I just fell asleep while here. I knew it wasn't so, but it was hope that got me out of bed. My heart broke again when she wasn't there. Buffy was though, and Dawn, sleeping on the floor. Xander was near them staring up at the ceiling. Anya was at the table, reading a book. I went to the table and sat, looking down at my hands. That's how I spent most of the day. Just sitting. On occasion I ate, but never much. I thought about my life. All the pain I've been through. I thought about my school career. I spent most of it being ridiculed by those deemed 'popular'. I had only two friends. Xander and Jesse. Jesse, I thought about him for a while. He had smiled a lot. Then came that fateful night when I found out about Buffy being the slayer. They vamped him and he was staked. I felt pain then too. But not like my pain for Tara, never like that. Then my thoughts skipped to Oz. My first. I loved him so much. Almost as much as I loved -love- Tara. He had left. I was sad then too. But I knew he was alive, and that there was a chance he would come back. And he did. And I chose Tara. I wondered if he thought about me. If he still loved me. I tried to kill him too. I tried to kill everyone. I thought about Joyce. Always supportive. She died. Waves of emotions that day too. But she wasn't mine like the rest were. She was Buffy's. Then there was Jenny. She died at the hands of Angel. She wasn't mine either, she had been Giles. There was so much pain. So much suffering. This went on for a week. A never ceasing circle of thoughts, of pain. That's when I went into the bathroom and found one of Xander's razors. I held it above my wrist. I hadn't spoken since the mountain. Since I tried to destroy the world to be rid of it's pain. The world may be happy at times, but I never would be again. My thoughts turned. Tara, Jesse, Oz, Joyce, Jenny, that damned yellow crayon. I was about to cut flesh when the door behind my opened. I had forgotten to lock it.   
  
"Willow?" It was Xander. I shook my head. Let the world live with it's pain. I wouldn't. I was about to slash downwards when his hand caught my arm. Why wouldn't he let me end it all? He didn't let me end the world's pain either. "Will, what are you doing?" I shook my head again. I tried to pull free of his grasp, but I couldn't. I was still weak from all the magic I used. He took the blade from me, he took my chance for peace. I crumpled onto the floor. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. He came down and hugged me. He pressed my head against his cheek. Through my tears I could see the scars I gave him when he told me that he loved me. He loved me. It finally hit home, they loved me. Like Tara had loved me, maybe less physical, but still love. I had tried to kill Buffy. I had trapped her in the ground with enemies at all sides plus Dawn to protect, but she still slept on Xander's floor at night to make sure I'm okay. I had tried to kill Giles. I had beaten him to a bloody pulp, stole his magic, but he remained in Sunnydale. He told the other's that he wouldn't go back to England until he was sure I was okay. I had tried to kill Dawn. I had told her that she wasn't real, I had threatened to turn her back into energy, but still she offered me tea, no matter if I didn't say thanks. I had tried to kill Anya. I had used her to free me, but still she sat next to me and made me part of the conversation, despite the fact that I didn't speak. And Xander, I tried to kill him too. I had slashed at him, I had given him scars, yet here he was, on the floor hugging me. I thought about that day, when I had come so close to killing all those who love me when I realized something.   
  
"Xander?" I said. He pulled back and looked at me. It was the first time I had spoken in a week.  
  
"Yeah Will?" If he was surprised that I spoke he hid it well. He looked at me with friendship in his eyes, and I wished I could have that look forever.  
  
"Xander. The crayon wasn't yellow, it was Marigold." 


End file.
